I started this blog hoping to satisfy my not-so-possible dream of being a writer. (In hope to better my writing skills). But it seems to have become a journal, or rather a diary somehow, and I’m not even updating it frequently enough.
January hasn’t really been kind to me, with the start of February, things just seems to start crashing on me. Times like these just seems too much for me to handle. Hasn’t been the strongest woman and never will be.
Family: Stress in the house simply seems to increase with my age. It’s not easy to just write or even say out exactly the kind of stress that’s been around the house. The atmosphere simply is not right. It gets so bad that I simply do not want to be at home most of the time, or rather just coop myself up in my room under the blankets. Yeah, I’m running again from my problems and not even trying to face them. “Every house have their own hard book to read” – How more true can that get. Definitely my problems aren’t comparable to the #FWP that are out there but I’m simply too weak. Yes, a very weak mind. Yes, I know I suck.
Friends: I’m glad I have friends. Friends who are there to quarrel with me. Friends who are there to drink with me. Friends who trust me and think that I am strong. Friends who always encourage me. These people are the ones who helped me grow. They are the ones who taught me that you don’t only have one family, that anyone can be your family. Friends whom i turn to, even if it’s just words of console that i need, even when I know I’m not totally right but simply needs them to agree with my stupidity. I can’t tell them how just how much I appreciate their existence. No words can put it right. No words can be enough.
Relationship: When it come to guys or so called partners. I don’t really have very high standards even though I always put the words “rich” “tall” “handsome” by my mouth. Those are just answers that are simple enough to shut mouths of prying questions.
I don’t really need my guy to be rich or very good looking. He doesn’t need to be very tall but, of course, have to be taller than me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when I’m tired, need not be big but strong arms around me when I’m upset, someone I can snuggle up against when the weather gets cold, a person I can just pour all my woos on when I had a fight with my bestie or simply needs someone to talk to. He doesn’t have to always agree with me cos having his own mindset or ideas about things will be what I appreciate in a guy. He doesn’t have to always be by my side as I believe we all need freedom, just be there for me when I really need him. He can have dreams that are not yet working out as long as he still knows that he have to provide for his future family at the same time he pursues his dreams. He doesn’t have to love my parents like his own as long as he respects them as much as he respects me. He can hang out with his lady friends and party for all I care as long as he is not reluctant in introducing my existence to all his friends and remembers that the woman who loves him is missing his absence even though she doesn’t say so.
I don’t think my request are hard to meet, or are they standards too high to meet. But somehow, it’s just so hard. When asked about relationships, it’s quite hard for me to say “Oh, i’ve had _____ past relationships/boyfriends”. SImply because I don’t believe whether they are real relationships. Or maybe the correct word should be “dated”. “How many guys i’ve dated” might just seem much more applicable for my situation.
It’s really curious how people like me tend to be able to give notably decent advices to people around me about their relationships. They may not always be the best answer to a bad situation but most of the times I do make sense.Yet, when it comes to myself, everything that i’ve said before simply does not work on me. I’m stuck in my own little world forcing myself to believe in a happy ending when i already know that it simply will not work out. Time and again I end up falling for the same mistake which i would have told another to just be brave and get out from that black hole, pat your butt and move the hell on.
I SIMPLY CAN’T. I’ve tried umpteen times, telling myself all the bad points about a person, forcing myself to dislike the person. An occasional memory will just break that wall I’ve built and I’ll have to start from zero all over again. I don’t even know what I’m really feeling anymore. Right now, I’m simply too timid to put in too much. It’s not because I don’t care, just… I don’t wanna be shut out again when I’m right at the door and thought that he’ll open it for me. I don’t wanna have to take out my heart so ready to give it away but once again dropped to the ground. It’s not because I don’t want him or my feelings are not there, I simply don’t want to seem too clingy and that I care too much because I am scared of rejection. I don’t want to lose again the person I seem to not want and yet at the same time want out of my life. I’m too scared to open up that crack in the door again to fully welcome into my heart even though I so so so want to.
That’s all i have for this post. I don’t know whether I’ll get by through the year safe and sound and well. There are times i simply wish to disappear from this world, the point where i don’t even exist. Yes, there are definitely lots of stuffs that i wouldn’t bear to lose, memories, feelings and many more. But i wouldn’t have any regrets if i never existed. I guess that’ll work for me too.
But then again, i want to at least try to be strong, and face my problems, to be a “fighter” against all the obstacles that i meet. To become a better person and maybe find what i can finally call my home with the one that i love. I hope your January had been a good one, and that February will be even better, with Chinese New Year coming up for the chinese peeps out there. Have fun!
-jaejaemj
Summer-Salting Dreams 