I’m feeling upset, but.

10527886_1499500396951853_8016327681147940033_nI’m feeling upset, cos if only we’d met earlier, things would have been so wonderful.

I’m feeling upset, cos we’re just so far away, hugging you everyday would be such bliss.

I’m feeling upset, cos no matter how I stare, you just can’t jump out from the phone screen.

I’m feeling upset, cos your voice is so near, but I can’t feel your warmth the littlest bit.

I’m feeling upset, cos when you’re upset, I wish i could be there but I’m not.

I’m feeling upset, cos I really want you and miss you so much.

I’m feeling upset, but it’s okay, cos I will be brave.

I’m feeling upset, but it’s okay, cos I know it will all be good, soon.

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As the Fire burns

“As the fire continues to burn, with all the changes and choices I’ve chosen, if one day I become someone I no longer recognize, will I still remember what once was, or maybe, I’d still prefer what currently is?”

The Little Things That Counts

Have you ever done something for someone but kept it a secret?

Like telling almost no one or (if you are determined enough and can stand that itchy bitchy feeling) no one at all?

If you have never, well… imagine this.

There’s a friend or a crush or just some one you care about (Of course we all know what this is about ).

A special little occasion is coming up in a few days time.

You decide to send a gift of some sort, but for some reason, you don’t want to show that you are such a loser. Or you know that your gift won’t be accepted if it’s known that you’re the sender.

You might even be countries apart but you JUST HAVE TO send something, so you decided to go anonymous.

You send out your little gift. And the wait starts……..

Your heart pumps, pumps… and pumps…. skipping beats occasionally… 

You’re waiting, waiting for the gift to reach the recipient. Now, you might be thinking, Did he receive it yet? How will it look like? (If you are using a 3rd party), Will he know who sent it? Will he like it? Oh i certainly hope he likes the surprise.

And when the gift finally reaches and he starts asking who sent this, you’ll probably in a dilemma.

Secretly you really wants him to know “IT’S ME IT’S ME, I AM THE ONE”, so badly but you know that it will defeat all purpose of sending it anonymously in the first place if you had disclosed your identity.

It might just be kept better as a gift when he doesn’t know it’s you. That feeling. I don’t know how to describe it, a tint of warmth and content accompanied with a little tingly sad sensation – Satisfaction and mysteriousness.

People may disagree with your choice, why don’t you just tell him? You’re simply wasting your time. Your thoughts are not gonna be appreciated idiot. etc etc. 

But hey, it’s a choice of mine and i choose to stick up to it. I don’t need him to know who i am. Just want the recipient to know that someone cares. No matter what.

This suddenly reminds me of TV dramas where moms will send post cards to their kids who are with their adoptive parents. Lol. Like whuuuuuuuuut.

Alright, well think about it. It’s a nice feeling. That’s all for tonight. Have a great week ahead! 🙂

-jaejaemj

January hasn’t been so kind

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I started this blog hoping to satisfy my not-so-possible dream of being a writer. (In hope to better my writing skills). But it seems to have become a journal, or rather a diary somehow, and I’m not even updating it frequently enough.

January hasn’t really been kind to me, with the start of February, things just seems to start crashing on me. Times like these just seems too much for me to handle. Hasn’t been the strongest woman and never will be.

Family: Stress in the house simply seems to increase with my age. It’s not easy to just write or even say out exactly the kind of stress that’s been around the house. The atmosphere simply is not right. It gets so bad that I simply do not want to be at home most of the time, or rather just coop myself up in my room under the blankets. Yeah, I’m running again from my problems and not even trying to face them. “Every house have their own hard book to read” – How more true can that get. Definitely my problems aren’t comparable to the #FWP that are out there but I’m simply too weak. Yes, a very weak mind. Yes, I know I suck.

Friends: I’m glad I have friends. Friends who are there to quarrel with me. Friends who are there to drink with me. Friends who trust me and think that I am strong. Friends who always encourage me. These people are the ones who helped me grow. They are the ones who taught me that you don’t only have one family, that anyone can be your family. Friends whom i turn to, even if it’s just words of console that i need, even when I know I’m not totally right but simply needs them to agree with my stupidity. I can’t tell them how just how much I appreciate their existence. No words can put it right. No words can be enough.

Relationship: When it come to guys or so called partners. I don’t really have very high standards even though I always put the words “rich” “tall” “handsome” by my mouth. Those are just answers that are simple enough to shut mouths of prying questions.

I don’t really need my guy to be rich or very good looking. He doesn’t need to be very tall but, of course, have to be taller than me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when I’m tired, need not be big but strong arms around me when I’m upset, someone I can snuggle up against when the weather gets cold, a person I can just pour all my woos on when I had a fight with my bestie or simply needs someone to talk to. He doesn’t have to always agree with me cos having his own mindset or ideas about things will be what I appreciate in a guy. He doesn’t have to always be by my side as I believe we all need freedom, just be there for me when I really need him. He can have dreams that are not yet working out as long as he still knows that he have to provide for his future family at the same time he pursues his dreams. He doesn’t have to love my parents like his own as long as he respects them as much as he respects me. He can hang out with his lady friends and party for all I care as long as he is not reluctant in introducing my existence to all his friends and remembers that the woman who loves him is missing his absence even though she doesn’t say so.

I don’t think my request are hard to meet, or are they standards too high to meet. But somehow, it’s just so hard. When asked about relationships, it’s quite hard for me to say “Oh, i’ve had _____ past relationships/boyfriends”. SImply because I don’t believe whether they are real relationships. Or maybe the correct word should be “dated”. “How many guys i’ve dated” might just seem much more applicable for my situation.

It’s really curious how people like me tend to be able to give notably decent advices to people around me about their relationships. They may not always be the best answer to a bad situation but most of the times I do make sense.Yet, when it comes to myself, everything that i’ve said before simply does not work on me. I’m stuck in my own little world forcing myself to believe in a happy ending when i already know that it simply will not work out. Time and again I end up falling for the same mistake which i would have told another to just be brave and get out from that black hole, pat your butt and move the hell on.

I SIMPLY CAN’T. I’ve tried umpteen times, telling myself all the bad points about a person, forcing myself to dislike the person. An occasional memory will just break that wall I’ve built and I’ll have to start from zero all over again. I don’t even know what I’m really feeling anymore. Right now, I’m simply too timid to put in too much. It’s not because I don’t care, just… I don’t wanna be shut out again when I’m right at the door and thought that he’ll open it for me. I don’t wanna have to take out my heart so ready to give it away but once again dropped to the ground. It’s not because I don’t want him or my feelings are not there, I simply don’t want to seem too clingy and that I care too much because I am scared of rejection. I don’t want to lose again the person I seem to not want and yet at the same time want out of my life. I’m too scared to open up that crack in the door again to fully welcome into my heart even though I so so so want to.

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That’s all i have for this post. I don’t know whether I’ll get by through the year safe and sound and well. There are times i simply wish to disappear from this world, the point where i don’t even exist. Yes, there are definitely lots of stuffs that i wouldn’t bear to lose, memories, feelings and many more. But i wouldn’t have any regrets if i never existed. I guess that’ll work for me too.

But then again, i want to at least try to be strong, and face my problems, to be a “fighter” against all the obstacles that i meet. To become a better person and maybe find what i can finally call my home with the one that i love. I hope your January had been a good one, and that February will be even better, with Chinese New Year coming up for the chinese peeps out there. Have fun!

-jaejaemj

2015 A Fresh Start..or Not

With the blink of an eye, it’s been 21 years since I was a puddle of blubber not yet fully grown.

2015. A new year. But is it really a time for a fresh start? I’ve started working almost immediately after I graduated from my polytechnic partially due to lack of income. And it’s been 3 months of me working in a firm and job which I never thought I would go into. Yet here I am, working the usual office hours and still doing over-time for basically nothing.

Unfortunately for me, my 2015 didn’t start very smoothly. Fell down twice on New Year’s Eve and almost broke my kneecap (exaggerating), but it’s not yet fully recovered. Work on the first day of the first week of January was totally hectic due to a few cases that were super messed up. Going down to the Bank’s office building to deliver documents for a colleague and the collection kiosk closed just minutes before i got out the lift and followed by a few other unfortunate events throughout the week.

However, I managed to make it through.

This year though, I certainly would love to make some huge plans and changes in my life. Such as:-

1. Applying for a degree in May 2015 for the course I’ve been wanting to take up since so long ago.

2. Apply for my Basic Theory Test which I didn’t go to the last time due to oversleeping.

3. Go for an overseas trip to Sydney / Australia / New Zealand. (Just somewhere FAR from Singapore, I seriously need a break from this place.)

4. Try to apply for Singaporean Citizenship.

5. Restart my braces appointments with my old dentist and get them off by the end of the year hopefully. T-T (This is the bad point for not going back to the dentist when they move to another company.)

Basically the above 5 points are my checklist. And definitely many others that are simply daily life changes which do not need to be picked on and mentioned to the world. (Even though this blog is just read by a measly average of 0.001 viewers per day? This is still a non-private blog post!)

So what have yourselves been planning in this 1st month of 2015?

-jaejaemj